Things That Happen to Me That Don’t Happen to Other People

You know how most people lose socks? That’s how I lose bras. Yes, bras.

I think it’s because I’m always taking them off. Which sounds like I’m a floozy-ho-slut (technical term), but really it just means I hate wearing them, so I tend to rip those suckers off the moment I think I no longer need an over-the-shoulder boulder-holder. (Thanks for the term, Judy Blume.) That might include in my car, my office, the kitchen, the backyard … you get the picture.

So they just … disappear.

olga bra

This is the bra that is missing. If you find it, please return immediately.

Right now, I have misplaced for several weeks my only beige-colored bra. That means I only have black bras to choose from, and one very bright red one with polka dots that hasn’t fit me since 1998. It also means that every time I dress for the world, I have to consider what shirt will work with a black bra. (Because I’m too cheap to go buy a new beige one when I KNOW the other one will turn up soon. And since I’m not really a floozy-ho-slut, I don’t want my black bra showing through my shirts. At least not all the time.)

This also means that half of my wardrobe is unwearable right now. And this means that I have to think too much in the mornings, which I try not to do.

This all leads up to one night this week when I was getting ready to go to see Bob Seger and the Silver Bullet Band in concert. I was choosing what to wear and of course did not have the aforementioned BEIGE bra. But I really, really wanted to wear a cute blouse that required a BEIGE bra.

In my infinite wisdom, I decided that going braless to a concert wasn’t a bad thing.

I mean, women do it all the time, right? At least they do at Willie Nelson concerts; there are usually tube-tops involved.

A rare moment on Willie's bus (not). I love the Internet.

A rare moment on Willie’s bus (not). I love the Internet.

Now maybe those women aren’t as, errr, well-endowed as me, but it’s a thing. People do it. Besides, I just knew Bob Seger would be able to FEEL the overwhelming presence of my braless boobies from onstage. They would inspire him.

That’s how I came to be talking to a couple of guys at the concert who were seated in front of me who will very likely never forget me.

You see, I was leaning over a bit to talk because they were BELOW me, and the sleeve of my blouse caught the edge of the arm of my seat. Which shall we say pulled the fabric a bit (a lot) to the left. Which in turn caused a gap. Which in turn gave these lovely men a tumbling sort-of-oh-my-god-there’s-a-large-dangling boobie right-in-front-of-me kind of view.

We’re not talking flashing a little side boob here. There may or may not have been  nipple involved.

I really hadn’t noticed anything was askew at first. Because I’d had a few adult beverages by this point. I was digging some “Turn the Page,” and I thought these two old hippie men were just really interested in my witty conversation.

But then I began to note that my chest was not the area where my witty conversation was emitting from, and yet that area was where they appeared to be focusing their attention.

I honestly didn’t know whether to laugh or cry at this point. I think I said something like, “Oh, wow, would you look at that?”

In retrospect, I should have just said, “It’s for Bob,” and left it at that.

It was probably in reality only a second of a flash. But I have learned my lesson now: Don’t try to make witty conversation after several adult beverages. It’s not worth it.

It was all for you, Bob.

It was all for you, Bob.

 


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15 thoughts on “Things That Happen to Me That Don’t Happen to Other People

    • When I get home every afternoon I ask Larry, while reaching for the hooks digging into my back, “Are we going anywhere?” When he says “no” then it is free boobie time!! Once it comes off, it doesn’t go back on until the next morning (unless it will be Sunday – bonus free boobie day).

  1. Free boobie days are the best. And another bonus to living in Colorado – there are a good 10 months out of the year when you can legitimately wear a jacket out to run errands, etc. on the weekends. And if it’s the right jacket – NO ONE HAS TO KNOW YOU ARE GOING Boobie Freestyle.

  2. Hahaha, great post. I’m so paranoid about accidental flashing that I now also worry people notice me checking out my own cleavage too often, just to be sure it’s in place.

  3. Thank you, Kathy. I’ve learned a lot from this article. Mainly, that I need to spend more time at concerts that my father would go to.
    This is mixed news for me. Bob Seger I can handle. But don’t expect me to go to a Miami Sound Machine gig. Naht happenin’.

    • haha! thanks for reading, Neal. Glad to see a GUY post a response to this very important discussion of free boobs.

  4. OMG. I am dying – I can’t stop giggling. I’m sure Bob Seger was very inspired! Remind me to tell you about my “Oh, wow, would you look at that?” moment (more like 5 minutes) I had a few years back. All I can say about that moment was I was younger and hopefully a little bit perkier than I am now. Loved this post!

  5. Bahaha this one made me ROFLOL!!! I hear young ladies(probably not ladies) tend to do this at some of the concerts these days (flash the band). Hopefully you will never see those guys that were in front of you again. I mean what are the chances?

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