If you ever see any of the following status updates on my Facebook page, call the authorities because I’ve been hacked! (Wait. Are there authorities to call for that, by the way? Is it even illegal? Are there fines? And what is in that huge box at the top of my closet? These are the kinds of questions that keep me up at night.)

And now for posts you will never see from me:

1. I signed up for my next marathon today – so excited.
2. Wow, it’s 5 p.m. and I totally forgot to eat today.
3. My performance in last night’s kickball game was crazy good.
4. I can’t wait for my next bra fitting. (See related blog post on this topic.)
5. It’s July, and I’m so missing my Texas summers.
6. Enjoying the brilliant writing in Fifty Shades of Grey.
7. Please, everyone, check out my new glamour-shot profile pic!
8. It’s 75 and sunny outside, but dang, I really want to finish this report before I hit the trail.
9. Brought home our new pet today, a kingsnake just full of personality and small rats.
10. OMG. I’m jonesing for some new stiletto boots.
11. Yay! Time to clean the house!
12. A full morning of mall shopping, followed by a super-light lunch under 500 calories. Can life be any sweeter?
13. I wish my friends would stop sending me Ketel One vodka all the time.
14. Call of Duty: Modern Warfare haters, you can’t handle the gaming truth!
15. Does my avatar make me look fat?
16. I love that my husband hides dirty dishes in our oven. It’s such an endearing trait. XOXOXO
17. Can’t wait to go to the Kid Rock concert tonight.
18. Being a working mom has been such a freaking breeze this week. I feel so bad for women who have nannies and maids. They are truly missing out.
19. Check out our new (to us) Ford Crown Victoria with tinted windows.
20. The new Taylor Swift and Toby Keith duet. Is. Awesome.
21. Go, Mitt, go!

So … what update would NEVER come from you?

Come on, spill below! It’s fun and a good way to waste about 15 to 20 minutes depending on how fast you type.

* Disclaimer: If you are considering purchasing 1,000 copies of my novel, Blue Straggler, and any of these fake posts offend you, I completely and utterly apologize and also I take Visa.

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